The LifeMaven

I am unhappy because I am not meeting society’s expectations for me.

I work part time as an intern and am not wholeheartedly pursuing a full time job.

I majored in computer information systems in college, but am not interested in being a developer or programmer.

I spend my free time playing video games by myself or with my girlfriend. Or reading about gaming or football.

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By society’s definitions I am a failure. I’m a bum who’s leeching off my parents and girlfriend.

I am defined by my lack of a well paying, steady “job”, and my time wasting pastimes.

All of which detracts from the fact that I’m actually happy like this. If it were not for these feelings of failure, I would be enjoying myself quite contentedly.

I have loving parents, a wonderful girlfriend. I have enough food to eat, clothes on my back, a roof over my head. I have enough disposable income on my own to waste on gaming, but not enough to quite pay the rent. But we have enough savings to make due for a few months.

I have enough time to enjoy the many games I spend money on.

And yet because I fail to meet society’s expectations I am deemed a failure.

As much as I would like to avoid it and deny it; it does weigh on me. That I am not meeting these expectations.

I should be content with who I am and not who society wants me to be.

But the beliefs of society are insidious. They permeate the subtle inflections in others’ voices when I talk about where I am in life. Every exaggerated pause or raised eyebrow contains the disappointment of a society whose approval I should not care for.

It includes my parents, my girlfriend, my friends, and my coworkers. Even the bloggers I follow, maintain that I am failing them.

It is very subtle. But the fact that I choose to use my free time unproductively seems to go against one of the blogosphere’s own values. It is not direct, but hidden, beneath every post of eliminating distractions and increasing productivity.

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So where does this leave me?

As of right now, still in square one. Vaguely depressed without any real reason that I should be.

What am I going to do about it?

For now, I’m just going to keep working on this blog, skimming job postings and entertaining fleeting notions of writing an ebook.

All the while I will not change my lifestyle. I will try to enjoy the luxuries that I am afforded and remember that this is who I am.

A gamer. Not quite ready to change to meet the expectations society has put on me.

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