The LifeMaven

Question: How can you call one of your own children a failure?

This is the situation that my girlfriend has found herself in recently. On numerous occasions she has heard these dreadful words either directly from her parents or indirectly through her younger sister.

Rant alert! My personal reply to her parents.

First of all, what is your definition of failure? Because she’s unemployed, didn’t pass her CPA exam on the first try, and not working for a Fortune 500 company? Goodness, you need some perspective on life.

Second, this is your daughter we’re talking about. How can she be a failure? You raised her! If you’re not pleased with the actions she has chosen for herself, you need to take a good hard look in the mirror.

What values, beliefs and morals have you instilled in her? What opportunities did you offer her?

You chose the college that she went to and she had no say in the matter! How can you expect her to reach the same heights as a graduate of a more prestigious school when you sent her to a school barely above a community college?

What are you doing with your life that makes you such a great judge on the matter? It’s not as if you’re the CEO of one of those companies or a CPA yourself. No, you’re just a mid-level civil servant, so who are you to pass judgment of success or failure.

It’s not for a lack of trying on her part. She studied her butt off for that exam! How do you think she feels knowing that she gave it her best effort and didn’t pass? And you want her to hold down some fantastic job at the same time?

End rant.

This is not a constructive environment. This kind of thinking leads to shattered families, depressed children, and suicidal adults. People who live in these kinds of expectations are setting themselves up for great disappointment and are never satisfied with the success they do have.

There’s more to life than just working for a big name company or making lots of money. There is health, there is love (unfortunately, there’s little love in this family), and there is artistic and natural beauty. There is so much more in the world than being just another cog in the machine making 60K a year plus benefits.

In this very inspiring Steve Jobs speech at the Stanford commencement (embed at the end of the post), he says he would look in the mirror every morning and ask himself if “I die in a year, would I still want to be doing what I’m doing.” When the days where he answered “no” got too numerous, he made a change in his life.

I think this is very important, as so many of us focus on the wrong things in life. Like my girlfriend’s folks, we focus on money, status, and having brand name material goods. (Ironic considering this is the head of Apple.) We get so caught up in the race for these things that we forget that we’re going to die eventually, and all of those things will have been for naught.

We don’t receive a score when we die; based on how much money we made or what socioeconomic class we belonged to.

No, those things do not last beyond our mortal lives.

What matters instead, is our reputation and our character.

Did we help people? Was the world a better place thanks to our contribution? It can be as large as the acts of Mother Theresa, or it can be as insignificant as reading a bedtime story every night to your child.

What matters is that you made someone else’s life better.

You were able to put aside humanity’s selfish instincts, and do something for your fellow man instead of just for yourself.

That is what I think life should be about. And no, you can never be a failure.

“You’re only a failure in life when you fail to live.” – By me

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